SORTIE 1 OF THE DAY
PILOT F. Irish S/A
EQUIPMENT Commodore Barry
I want to talk about self worth tonight, as I have lost mine. Self Worth is defined by Collins English Dictionary as "respect for or a favourable opinion of oneself" (English means legit English, I left the damn misspelling because it is a quote, get off my back). Recently, my opinion of myself has been thrown against the rocks, the lighthouse having been extinguished in the storm. From every direction, the voices of dissent have been growing louder and more forceful. Even those I had viewed as allies in my struggle to make something of myself have begun to turn against me. One close friend, a veteran of our armed forces, is very adamant that I have done nothing but waste my time pursuing what he views as empty dreams. His life is much different than mine, and has been since we parted ways after high school. As my views emerged in a more radical and blindly just light, his have taken to the system and stations of life that I have come to question. As I call for REAL change (A throw back attack to some young students who I tried to discuss politics with after they took over the tv in my dorm in '08. I asked them repeatedly what Obama meant by change...they couldn't tell me.) and the universal equality and rights of all citizens, he has taken the view that it is better to struggle through the normal channels of American society, choosing his education based upon monetary decisions.
He is the more logical of the two of us, yet I am ideological in my stance. I believe that we can change our nation to better suit our needs. Fuck Congress if they try to stop us. As for the power of the Federal Government, yous were never intended to be this large, and the system has ground to an ongoing stalemate as you argue over useless issues and who is gonna get more money or more esteem. Fuck every single one of you who has proposed action based upon what you will personally gain. You do not deserve the positions you hold as you do not represent the CITIZENS of the United States.
Sorry for the digression, I have very old views of what the U.S. exists to accomplish. But, it has felt as if my life has been in free fall. Nothing has improved, not one thing. In fact, it has turned around. I now find myself without a way of getting to and from work consistently, and once at work I am unable to leave at my leisure to return home, or grab much needed food & coffee. Without a vehicle my social life has also suffered. I am unable to travel, plain and simple. I can't turn around and say "Oh, I want some coffee. Let me go visit Beth at Wawa." or "I wonder what Mac and Diz are up to?" or "Tonight seems like a good night to kidnap C.R. and Liz for a cruise." And the fact that I must ask other for rides to work devastates my pride to the point where I refuse open invitations in order to find my own way.
On top of all of this I have to contend with the 'concerned assertions' of my parents, one of which refuses to believe that I smoke for medical reasons. I'd rather not get fucked up on pills thanks. I prefer no side effects. But I have to deal with "And they drug test, so stop smoking," every time another possible job is brought up, which is every time I see them. Honestly, fuck that demographic of middle aged Americans who look at their children and scream at their 'offenses'. Fuck yous, cause you all did the same shit. Hypocritical shitbirds of the 'golden days'. Country's fucked...cause of you and yours. The youth doesn't have the power to fix it cause you won't give up the reigns.
Keep going back to that huh. Might be my issue with this depression shit. Anyway, as the growing pressure mounts on the shaky foundations of my dreams, I look on in horror. It appears that nothing I can do will alter anything. I am destined to live life exactly as my parents have, miserable but feigning happiness and taking pills cause their jobs stress them out. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna watch myself grow complacent and stagnant, immobile in the world and waiting to die. I've been waiting to die for a few days now, that is how bad my depression can get. I smoked myself out of the hole to perform my duties at work two days now, and I am fighting to ensure that it does not become a third. I am tired of the life I am trapped in right now, and the options that are being forced down my throat all equate to the same outcome, the death of my self, my soul.
The option of returning to school was presented to me on more than one occasion. I am already too far into debt from the first bout, a debt that I already cannot afford. Though I am knowledgeable in many subjects, I am passionate about the one that has taken a sharp decline in applicability. Teaching jobs in history are taken and held like the enemy capital in a time of war, held onto until the one holding it can no longer go on. Finding a job at a private institute of learning is also a difficult prospect as it would require things I do not have within my power at the present time, mainly reliable transportation. Also, as schools cut back, unemployed teachers with proven backgrounds also seek jobs in the private sector. Museums are right out, their funding having been cut half a decade ago, requiring a larger force of volunteers, who cannot be paid for their service, and who more often than not are never recognized for their commitment and achievement. The military is out, they don't like stoners. Wish they did, but they don't.
It is obvious I need a second job, I know that is a fact. But this bullshit about drug testing needs to stop. I would challenge any prospective employer: put me up against your average worker, they sober, myself high. I will diligently accomplish task after task with no bitching, a smile on my face, and courtesy that will impress your customers. If it is a hard labor job, shit, I already do that. I have dug holes without breaks (I can always tell myself that I have earned a break once I've finished the hard part of the work) and worked long days in constant use of my body in the weather. Where normal fatigue would cause the sober worker to shirk duties and cut corners, I stop, smoke, and get right back where I left off. I was hard at work in the winter last year, snow on the ground and I felling tree after tree, day in day out, in the cold. One particular morning I was unable to start a fire, I figured I would just get to work and try again after the sun rose a little more. So, I start up the chainsaw and begin to cut into the trunk of an average size tree (like, foot and a half diameter), and wouldn't you know it, the chainsaw stops running. I began to go over the mental checklist, checking possible issue after possible issue, only to find that I can do nothing about the problem. The gas oil mix had turned to slush in the short period I had been outside. I outlasted the machine. I was high.
My hopes of the Log being published anytime soon remain hopes, as I watch them climb away from me into the sky. It is hard to present the mainstream a project like this, something that is as random as each of our minds can be, presented as individual entries in an overall log. I may have return readers, but I can't tell, nor can I exploit the fact that it is highly probable. And the true Log is hand written (Which you guys will get to see shortly after I post this entry, an early entry that I laugh about) on a daily basis if I can find the time. A plethora of half finished comics fill sketchbooks, and an entire comic series, titled Reefer Corps, was scrapped because my self worth was destroyed in much the same manner as that I endure now. The Flight Log is becoming a war of attrition, in which time wears down on my will to continue as I continue to exert myself for what till now has amounted to nothing. But I have a new strategy of attack, one that will hopefully throw the towel in the face of my adversaries before they receive a swift uppercut. My education will be my weapon, my passion will be the ammunition. History meet pot, I think you two will be able to forge a wonderful working relationship.
I've already got a basic outline, and by basic I mean a rough idea of how to split the time periods, and what the presentation will be in regards to info. Now I just need to brush up on my research skills and locate a way of accessing the databases that I will need to gather valid information. I intend for this to be a coup, my overthrow of those voices that continue to berate my character and personal esteem with their venomous words of opposition. When you see that I can do what I am about to do, when you realize that the impossible has been made possible, I shall take my leave of you for the more tranquil seas of distance. The day would not come soon enough for my taste regardless of when it happens.
And so the dawn of a new idea has come, and the chance to make that idea a reality is a very real possibility. I'm gonna take that chance and ride it until the legs give out.