SORTIE 7 OF THE DAY
PILOT F. Irish S/A
EQUIPMENT Old Blue Eyes
There is so much on my mind right now that I cannot give yous one single thought that will define this post. A subject would mean that I actually have a purpose or idea in mind when I started this, and to tell yous the truth, I really don't have the motivation or desire to do this right now. This weekend took a lot outta me; mind, body, and soul. Common sense tells us that we need to grow up at some point, that we need to buckle down and follow a path that will keep us relatively comfortable as we wait to die. But can it really be common sense to wait for death?
This is going to be the incoherent ramblings of a man struggling to find something that he can hold onto I'm afraid. Not a single thought that goes through my mind is staying long enough for me to dive into it, as one thing I think links itself to another which leads to a third, until finally it is all one singular mass of idiocy and self loathing. That GH HIT! above this paragraph... that is the first hit I've taken since the sun passed its midway point in the sky. High? Far from, and as I look at my present state, I will continue to remain distant from that point of bliss that allows me the chance to stop myself from hating, well, myself.
Would you take a beating for something that you believed in? Would you physically take hit after hit, slam after head slam, for something that was a belief, an idea that has not manifested itself? Would you stare back into eyes that had no emotion with a fire in your own, struggling to get the words out as they choke you to defend against their verbal assault? And, is it in your power to make them see that no matter how much they will do, your answer will not change, causing them to give up? If you say yes, without having gone through it, I challenge you to do it, but here is the stinger, you can't hit back. Can you do it, and walk away with no hard feelings? It can really do a lot to strengthen your resolve, but it also breeds that oh so familiar poison that we all call doubt. You begin to wonder if that dream, that idea, can keep you going through another episode of the sort.
As you all know, I smoke marijuana. Do you know how many people have turned around and told me that there is no possible way I smoke for medical reasons? Only five people have actually taken my word for what it is, my word. Yes, I will smoke for enjoyment, but that is not my primary reason for smoking. I smoke marijuana as the safer alternative to prescription drugs that cause:
Straight from the companies website, we just aren't gonna add a name because bad press against such a company may have legal implications. Side effects of marijuana from wikipedia:
While some side effects go away after the first few weeks of drug treatment, others persist and may even get worse.
- Decreased sex drive
- Weight gain
- Sleepiness or fatigue
- Dry mouth
Some of the short-term physical effects of cannabis use include increased heart rate, dry mouth ("cotton mouth"), reddening of the eyes (congestion of the conjunctival blood vessels), a reduction in intra-ocular pressure, muscle relaxation and a sensation of cold or hot hands and feet.Both of these lists are the PHYSICAL EFFECTS! Now, you tell me which sounds like it is a trip through hell, and which one is a walk in the goddamn mother fucking park. I chose marijuana to treat my issues cause lets face it, it is the better of the two choices. Not to mention, due to previous medical conditions in which my stomach began to digest itself, marijuana doesn't effect the stomach in ANY WAY. I'd rather take my chances with the fucking feds then put myself through that excruciating pain intentionally. And another thing, I haven't smoked one cigarette since I started this entry, I tell myself to get one, then get right back to what I am doing, this entry. I focus on this, and forget that.
Quick thought: Can you say you are okay with something when in reality you argue against it every chance you see an opening with any subject as your validation? No, you can't, cause obviously you have such a problem with it that you need to bring up the issue inherent in smoking marijuana. End thought.
I really do apologize for the complete lack of direction in this one, not my norm. Even after those hits, my mind is still set to wander about in its own battles, choosing what subject, when, and whether or not I want to actually write about it. That is how long this weekend has been. And not in terms of time, for I was going off of the same schedule I normally would hold on a weekend. It was long in terms of emotion, all weekend it was up, then down, up, way way down, up with a plateau, followed by down, down again, then some loops. At this very moment it feels as if I am pushing a car uphill as I force myself to type, willing myself not to give up on the log. Praying that one day it might just manifest itself in glory. So many things in my life have been just that, my will power fading fast as my strength drains from my body. So many times in the past have I stopped myself from going on because it had begun to effect me in a way that caused me some measure of pain, or some amount of depression and anxiety. Life goes on every time, but I am never the same man, each time some part of me dies. The disturbing thing is that an old incarnation of my self always returns, back to claim the throne before another coup overtakes him.
Done with that thought, don't wanna take myself there by thinking about it. Now I'm pacing about trying to figure out my exact thoughts on another matter. I can't do this right now kids. My sincerest apologies, but I need to do a lot more to preoccupy my mind right now. I don't wanna figure this out, I really don't wanna know what my mind wants me to do. I don't want the logic. But I need it. I need to confront myself because I can't live this weekend again. And memory does not fade for me, instead it is refreshed with the slightest hints to the full emotion of the actual event. It is not something I enjoy, in fact I wish I could turn around and say that things stopped bothering me after a certain time frame. That is not the case, I must first fix the issue in some manner, reign it in and study it to make the conclusion before it will stop effecting me. When the memory is fresh, fuck, seriously the littlest thing will take me where I probably don't wanna be. The only blessing in this curse is that I can feel the good emotions as well, I can bring back those moments that caused a fire in my very soul. But time wears on those flames that are a blessing, like rain on an open fire, eventually it will go out.
And still I go on with this thing. I guess I'm using it to figure this out. Because otherwise I will just push it back, leave it for the next time it brings itself to the light. I know what I have to say, I just need to force myself to say it. I am so afraid to even touch that subject though. My heart is tied to it, bound in chain to the very thing that I need to decide. Chivalry is not dead, but it can kill. Living life upon the value of your word, the resolve of your actions, answering the call no matter what the outcome will be, defending the very beliefs that make you who you are regardless of the opposition. These are values long forgotten by society, and people will tell you chivalry has died to protect themselves from the knowledge that there is someone like that, that someone can actually mean the very words they utter. I've tried to throw off these beliefs, many a time, yet I always find that I cannot live with myself if I don't follow them. And the reality of my situation, the thing that leads me to hesitate, is that this action I must resolve myself to commit is one that has the potential to remap my life in a serious way, with the worst being my own 'blade' through my heart. I really do hate myself right now, for even thinking these thoughts, but another part of me is saying that it needs to be done. My brain is forcing my hearts hand.
I'm going to finish this bowl while distracting myself with something else in the hopes that I will actually be able to find the sleep I so desperately need.